


A Very Sherlock Crackfic

by additionalpylons



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Anderson Is An Idiot, Awkward Sexual Situations, Crack, Inappropriate Erections, M/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 03:14:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1181234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/additionalpylons/pseuds/additionalpylons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack, lots of it. Everyone loves Sherlock. I hope this is funny, I had a giggle while writing it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Anderson

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I have published anything EVER so I kind of don't know what I'm doing, hope this made you smile, even a little bit aha.

      Anderson's pulsing member was hard. Sherlock was dressed in his usual ridiculously tight fitting shirt and trousers. _Thank fuck this crime scene suit is baggy_ thought Anderson. Sherlock was on the floor, inspecting the dead woman on the floor. He had his head on the floor, trying to see what was under her coat collar as she lay dead on the floor. _Fuck me, that coat is ugly. Ugh, don't people know?! Pink was last season_ Anderson thought to himself. _Who cares about the woman anyway, Sherlock's arse is here. His amazingly toned-_  
    "Anderson leave, you're making the whole room feel stupid." Sherlock had his fingers on his temples, his eyes tight shut. His new friend, Josh or John or something, was looking slightly terrified. _Did he even know Sherlock??_  
    "Anderson, just.. Yeah" Greg remarked hesitantly. _Fucks sake. I hope Sherlock can't read minds._ Anderson pulled his face and stormed out of the room. He bobbed down the stairs and waited by the open front door. _Oh what's the bloody point in me being here anyway?_ And with that, he zipped off his crime scene suit-bag-thing, chucked it on the floor and left.  
    "Phil? Phil!" Sally Donovan came rushing up to him as he approached his car which was parked in the street. Anderson turned around. "What is it Sally?" He whined. "It's Sherlock. I think he things we slept together or something."  
"Oh, yeah, he said earlier. Prick. Ha, imagine his face if he found out you'd actually just hadn't showered for a few days" Anderson laughed a hearty laugh, and so did Sally, the dirty bitch. Anderson laughed all the way home.


	2. Gregory

    "Sherlock, how the fuck did you deduce that u lil' sociopathic shit?" Lestrade beamed, glad he didn't have to figure out any more shit out for this case, for Sherlock had once again cracked the case, and somehow realised the bad-fashion-clothed-lady had a case too. One to match her sickly coat. How this had cracked the case however, Gregory did not know. _Oh well, my days work is done_ Greg smiled. Ah, how he could go home and have a pint... By himself. At home. Because his wife was away 'on business'.

He was, however, glad that Phillip had left. He was not, however, happy that Sherlock had brought a friend to the crime scene. He was meant to be a professional. Professionals don't have _friends_. Maybe the poor man was lost. Maybe Gregory should kick him out. _Wait - what if he's Sherlock's.. Nah. Sherlock, boyfriend? Hahah, I am so funny, why don't people appreciate how funny I am fucks sake_  Graham thought to himself silently, because he was thinking.   
   "Lestrade, don't be an idiot, I've already explained how that worked - John, do you have any insights??" Demanded Mr Tight-Shirt. _It is pretty tight though_. Geoff was thinking about his chest again. _Can't think about that, I have a wife, I'm not gay. I'm the last person in this fucking fandom who isn't usually portrayed as gay. I have a reputation to keep up!_

Oh, how Garfield was wrong, for a later turn of events will show just how his reputation really is in the Yard. Scotland Yard that is.


	3. Jawn

  
"Hm?! Oh, um... Let's see... Uhh... No pulse, definitely dead ( _you fucking go John you wicked doctor you yeh uh_ ) umm, can't smell any alcohol on her.. Maybe it was..." The Hedgehogs voice trailered off.   
"You know what it was." Sherlock interjected. _Fucking amateurs. But this one is cute. Imma keep dis lil cute hedgehog thing._   
"... The... Pills?" John guessed slowly, as you can tell from the grammar used. _Pills?!, ha, thought John. she fucking died from the sexual tension in this room, its fucking crushing me especially with that silver fucking fox in the corner._  
"Yes John, well done, you're doing brilliantly fuck me please what was that NOISE DID YOU HEAR THAT" Sherlock jumped up, trying to distract his new-found life partner from what he just said. _You fucking Bellend Sherlock!_ Sherlock had thought. Alas, he did not believe himself though, because Sherlock was the fucking bomb.   
John stood froze, knelt down by the welsh woman on the floor who was also dead. Did he just hear Sherlock right? A man he barely knew, briefly met, went round London with and moved in with? Had he heard him right?...   
... If so, what was this noise Shercock spoke of? John wondered to himself, intruigued by everything this dazzling star sent from heaven had to offer. _Look at dem cheekbones doh_. Snap out of it John, you're meant to have bad handwriting, not a bad vocabulary.   
That's my job.   
Anyway, John stood up to face the tall skinny demeaning curly haired man opposite him. "I didn't hear a noise Sherlock"  
"Oh. Dinner?"  
"Would love some."   
"I know a cute lil' Chinese near here. Excellent."  
"Ok Sherlock let us go there." They left the room, leaving Gavin gobsmacked. _Sherlock, that smooth ass motherfucker._   
Sergeant Donoslut came into the room as the duo left.   
"Who was that sir???" She asked in the most cliché way possible.   
Lestraddle turned around to her and said dramatically "Sherlock Holmes, and doctor Hedgehog."

*insert ending credits music here*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will another update soon! It does not end here


	4. The Stairs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a nasty fall.

*many months later*

"-ARGHHHUHHUHH!!"  
 _Dafuq was that?!_ Johns eyes blinked open as he was awoke by a very loud noise. _That was Sherlock... Shit! Is he okay? I better go check!_  
John sprang out of bed, popped at shirt on and rushed to his bedroom door. He popped his head out the door and saw Sherlock at the bottom of the stairs whip away into the sitting room. John began bobbing down the stairs. _What the hell was he-_  
SLIP! BANG! _OW MY BACK!!_  
John had slipped over on the fourth step up. _What the fu-_  
 _Oh. Of course. THATS what Sherlock was doing._   
John rolled his eyes before yelling into the sitting room "Sherlock!! Again?! Really?!"   
Mrs Hudson came tottering up the stairs. "John? Are you alri-" she instantly recognised the look john gave her. She shook her head in shame. "Sherlock! Look what you've done! You've made poor John here fall over!"   
Silence.   
"SHERLOCK! The mess you've made!! Oh when will that boy learn! Doing it on the stairs is a health and safety risk I tell you John." She pottered down the stairs again shaking her head. John got a tissue and began wiping up Sherlock's... Present for John on the stairs. He then went into the living room. Sherlock was lying on the sofa.   
"I got bored."   
"What have I told you about wanking on the stairs."   
Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Health hazard" Sherlock whined.   
Sherlock knew John secretly loved it. And John did. He really did.


End file.
